The past month or so... I've been dealing with some heavy issues. Feelings of loneliness, and doubt, and what it all boils down to is not feeling "good enough." I have this absurd desire to be perfect, so dealing with the fact that I am not- nor will I ever be- has always been a struggle. But it all entered the spotlight recently, and what a crazy roller-coaster it was.
James 1:2-4 has been a challenging verse for me. It says, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way" (The Message).
Hardships and tests are no fun to go through. I was so exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally through this time that I was begging for a break. Why must all of this happen at one time? I wanted all of my troubles to be taken away so I could just survive.
But no, God decided now was the time. I was to face these challenges, and overcome them.
One of the things I love about God is that He doesn't give up on me. If I am willing to be used, He will work and shape me into the person He wants me to be. It is often a painful, slow process, but He is holding my hand and walking me through it all. He isn't going to leave me in my state of "just surviving." He wants me to grow, to thrive, and live life to the fullest. I am so thankful for that fact.
When reflecting on these past events, I can see the lessons I have learned, and my tendencies that I still must unpack. God is so good to give me a family and spring break to help me recuperate after the insanity. And even though I have trouble believing it sometimes, I am so thankful for my friends who put up with me, and really do love me. They still like me even when I don't have it all together! It is so nice coming out on the other side.
I don't want to try to get out of struggles prematurely. No matter how much it hurts, I want to become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way... which is definitely scary to say. And I know I will never reach perfection, but I do want to be as much like Christ as possible for this human. In challenges, I want my first response to be prayer, and I want to be closer to God. It will not be easy by any means, but it's a goal I will work hard to accomplish.
Thank-you God for not giving up on me
