I have to laugh to myself when I realize that the most I have posted on my blog this entire summer is right before I head back to school. Who doesn't like to write when they need to express their feelings? Just kidding, I know some people don't :)
I love school. The campus is so incredible! Beautiful, and full of good memories. I love the trees in Autumn and Spring, and I love the snow and all the beauty in the Winter. I love my friends and all the good times we've had... going to IHOP way past my bedtime, Homecoming on Navy Pier, Upper Room (Judson's worship band that plays every Tuesday night), Soccer Games, hanging out watching movies, crazy conversations over lunch and dinner (and all the times people talk about puke when I really feel like I need to...), and just living life without adults. Okay, that isn't supposed to sound bad- I love life with adults in it too (and there are professors and such)- but just being with friends 24/7 is a way different experience that I know many of you can relate to. I am so glad that God has given me amazing friends at school, who can fill the void of my family until I return home. I am sooooooo excited to see everyone!
But then again...
I don't want to leave. The conflicting feelings inside me are insane! Will it really get easier as time goes on? Because leaving isn't any easier this year. I don't like being 16 hours away when I should be home watching my brother's soccer games and helping him with his homework. I should be here for my parents, and they for me. Phone conversations and Skype help... but it isn't the same. I love the Mountains. I love everything about Colorado: the weather that can turn on a dime and the Spring snow storms, the dry climate, the city I live in, the Mountains, the wildflowers, the chipmunks, all the activities my family and I love to do together... the Mountains... the whole shebang. ( I don't know how to spell that.)
And yet, I know Judson is where I am supposed to be. I love it there, just like I love home. I begin to think, "This is my last day with my family! This is my last day with my dog, with my friends, in my own room. I can't plan to be at this or that because I am going to be gone. I can't see my brother's games because I won't be here." It is almost as if everyone in my life is dying and I will never see them again! Then I finally think how silly I am being. God never leaves! I won't ever be alone. And although it is hard to leave, He will give me strength. I will see my family again! If not here, then in heaven. (Morbid thought... sorry...) But still. God has plans for my life, and Lord willing, I will be back in Colorado living out my dreams and living them close to my family. This is only a stage in life. One that I can definitely get through. So I am comforted by this fact: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" I cling to that knowledge and look forward to the coming year despite the whirlwind of emotions fighting for control in my heart.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wow.
Summer. It is almost over- but it just started yesterday didn't it?
I can't believe it! I just got home, just started getting back into the swing of life in Colorado, and now it is nearly time to go back to school. Yes, I am excited for school too... but leaving home is SO HARD!
I can't wait to see my friends. I can't wait to move into my new room and get situated. And, I am excited for more learning.
But that is also the confusing thing.
Lately, God has been bringing more and more to my attention. Reading Ted Dekker's books in the Circle Trilogy has been extreme! Through those fiction novels, I learned about loving. Yes, I have heard about love all my life. I have felt it, I have given it, I have watched movies, read books, sang songs to it... but the books just opened my eyes to a whole new level. That is a goal for me this year- and you are welcome to ask me how it's going, or how remind me to keep trying- but I really want to go all out! God, the Creator, LOVES US!! It is crazy! I find it so hard to believe it at times. So because of His love for me, I want to be love to others.
Our sermons at church, and my devotionals, small groups... all kinds of things have been coming up about human trafficking, orphans, starving people and children, AIDS... and what am I doing about it? I am a student, and getting an education is important. Right? I need a way to make money. Right? But it is crazy. I want to go! I want to go to Africa and help the children. I want to make a difference. And I don't know... but how will architecture make a difference? I know I enjoy it, but is it enough? How can I affect the world? I can show Christ's love to my clients, and I could join a program that builds houses for those in need... I want to design a house in Africa and build them and give them away. Is that what I am supposed to do? Life can be confusing. I guess I need prayer, and direction!
I have discovered this summer that I am an extremely selfish person. I have always thought I did a decent job of thinking of others before myself, but now I know better. That is one of the hardest parts of being a perfectionist... I want to be perfect, but that is impossible. But yes, this summer, I have found that as an introvert, I think about myself way too much. I worry about what people are thinking about ME, and what I should do in this situation or what I should have done differently, or what blah blah blah... you get the picture. All about me. Way too often. Sometimes my thoughts about myself actually cause me to be fearful. I ask God to use me however He wants to, but then I worry about people and their thoughts, and then I don't do what I am supposed to. So I want to do better. When I see an elderly couple needing help with groceries, I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks, I should just help. Or when a friend needs a hug, I shouldn't think about it... I should just do it! And that's what else I need, to be more friendly. It won't be easy, and it will take bunches of work, but I am excited for this year. I am too often crippled by others' expectations, but I want that to change.
And then I have this question. Totally unrelated, so this post is totally random... but anyway. I wonder, do people think I am too "good"? Well... maybe that's not the right wording. I'll put it this way. I have experienced many times in life where I thought people were really great- making huge advances in their walk with Christ, or getting through struggles- but then I found out things about them that were not encouraging. People put on a mask for me. Around me, they are fake people, putting on their best face, hiding me from the real facts of their life. Why? Am I so judgemental that people think I will hate them if they tell me what's really going on? Yes, I admit, I do struggle with my friends and family doing things I think are wrong. But I am not as black and white as I used to be in my rules, and I don't stop loving people because of something they do! I'm sorry! Forgive me if I've been dumb! But please, don't hide things from me. I don't understand it. It hurts.
I guess that is all that's on my mind right now. Can't believe I'll be going back to school soon!
I can't believe it! I just got home, just started getting back into the swing of life in Colorado, and now it is nearly time to go back to school. Yes, I am excited for school too... but leaving home is SO HARD!
I can't wait to see my friends. I can't wait to move into my new room and get situated. And, I am excited for more learning.
But that is also the confusing thing.
Lately, God has been bringing more and more to my attention. Reading Ted Dekker's books in the Circle Trilogy has been extreme! Through those fiction novels, I learned about loving. Yes, I have heard about love all my life. I have felt it, I have given it, I have watched movies, read books, sang songs to it... but the books just opened my eyes to a whole new level. That is a goal for me this year- and you are welcome to ask me how it's going, or how remind me to keep trying- but I really want to go all out! God, the Creator, LOVES US!! It is crazy! I find it so hard to believe it at times. So because of His love for me, I want to be love to others.
Our sermons at church, and my devotionals, small groups... all kinds of things have been coming up about human trafficking, orphans, starving people and children, AIDS... and what am I doing about it? I am a student, and getting an education is important. Right? I need a way to make money. Right? But it is crazy. I want to go! I want to go to Africa and help the children. I want to make a difference. And I don't know... but how will architecture make a difference? I know I enjoy it, but is it enough? How can I affect the world? I can show Christ's love to my clients, and I could join a program that builds houses for those in need... I want to design a house in Africa and build them and give them away. Is that what I am supposed to do? Life can be confusing. I guess I need prayer, and direction!
I have discovered this summer that I am an extremely selfish person. I have always thought I did a decent job of thinking of others before myself, but now I know better. That is one of the hardest parts of being a perfectionist... I want to be perfect, but that is impossible. But yes, this summer, I have found that as an introvert, I think about myself way too much. I worry about what people are thinking about ME, and what I should do in this situation or what I should have done differently, or what blah blah blah... you get the picture. All about me. Way too often. Sometimes my thoughts about myself actually cause me to be fearful. I ask God to use me however He wants to, but then I worry about people and their thoughts, and then I don't do what I am supposed to. So I want to do better. When I see an elderly couple needing help with groceries, I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks, I should just help. Or when a friend needs a hug, I shouldn't think about it... I should just do it! And that's what else I need, to be more friendly. It won't be easy, and it will take bunches of work, but I am excited for this year. I am too often crippled by others' expectations, but I want that to change.
And then I have this question. Totally unrelated, so this post is totally random... but anyway. I wonder, do people think I am too "good"? Well... maybe that's not the right wording. I'll put it this way. I have experienced many times in life where I thought people were really great- making huge advances in their walk with Christ, or getting through struggles- but then I found out things about them that were not encouraging. People put on a mask for me. Around me, they are fake people, putting on their best face, hiding me from the real facts of their life. Why? Am I so judgemental that people think I will hate them if they tell me what's really going on? Yes, I admit, I do struggle with my friends and family doing things I think are wrong. But I am not as black and white as I used to be in my rules, and I don't stop loving people because of something they do! I'm sorry! Forgive me if I've been dumb! But please, don't hide things from me. I don't understand it. It hurts.
I guess that is all that's on my mind right now. Can't believe I'll be going back to school soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)