Wow.

Summer. It is almost over- but it just started yesterday didn't it?

I can't believe it! I just got home, just started getting back into the swing of life in Colorado, and now it is nearly time to go back to school. Yes, I am excited for school too... but leaving home is SO HARD!

I can't wait to see my friends. I can't wait to move into my new room and get situated. And, I am excited for more learning.

But that is also the confusing thing.

Lately, God has been bringing more and more to my attention. Reading Ted Dekker's books in the Circle Trilogy has been extreme! Through those fiction novels, I learned about loving. Yes, I have heard about love all my life. I have felt it, I have given it, I have watched movies, read books, sang songs to it... but the books just opened my eyes to a whole new level. That is a goal for me this year- and you are welcome to ask me how it's going, or how remind me to keep trying- but I really want to go all out! God, the Creator, LOVES US!! It is crazy! I find it so hard to believe it at times. So because of His love for me, I want to be love to others.

Our sermons at church, and my devotionals, small groups... all kinds of things have been coming up about human trafficking, orphans, starving people and children, AIDS... and what am I doing about it? I am a student, and getting an education is important. Right? I need a way to make money. Right? But it is crazy. I want to go! I want to go to Africa and help the children. I want to make a difference. And I don't know... but how will architecture make a difference? I know I enjoy it, but is it enough? How can I affect the world? I can show Christ's love to my clients, and I could join a program that builds houses for those in need... I want to design a house in Africa and build them and give them away. Is that what I am supposed to do? Life can be confusing. I guess I need prayer, and direction!

I have discovered this summer that I am an extremely selfish person. I have always thought I did a decent job of thinking of others before myself, but now I know better. That is one of the hardest parts of being a perfectionist... I want to be perfect, but that is impossible. But yes, this summer, I have found that as an introvert, I think about myself way too much. I worry about what people are thinking about ME, and what I should do in this situation or what I should have done differently, or what blah blah blah... you get the picture. All about me. Way too often. Sometimes my thoughts about myself actually cause me to be fearful. I ask God to use me however He wants to, but then I worry about people and their thoughts, and then I don't do what I am supposed to. So I want to do better. When I see an elderly couple needing help with groceries, I shouldn't care about what anyone thinks, I should just help. Or when a friend needs a hug, I shouldn't think about it... I should just do it! And that's what else I need, to be more friendly. It won't be easy, and it will take bunches of work, but I am excited for this year. I am too often crippled by others' expectations, but I want that to change.

And then I have this question. Totally unrelated, so this post is totally random... but anyway. I wonder, do people think I am too "good"? Well... maybe that's not the right wording. I'll put it this way. I have experienced many times in life where I thought people were really great- making huge advances in their walk with Christ, or getting through struggles- but then I found out things about them that were not encouraging. People put on a mask for me. Around me, they are fake people, putting on their best face, hiding me from the real facts of their life. Why? Am I so judgemental that people think I will hate them if they tell me what's really going on? Yes, I admit, I do struggle with my friends and family doing things I think are wrong. But I am not as black and white as I used to be in my rules, and I don't stop loving people because of something they do! I'm sorry! Forgive me if I've been dumb! But please, don't hide things from me. I don't understand it. It hurts.

I guess that is all that's on my mind right now. Can't believe I'll be going back to school soon!