Goodbye my Friend

Death is a sobering concept.

Today I found out through facebook that one of my grade school friends died. He was my fourth grade crush, and was one of the only boys who still noticed me when I was in my awkward middle school phase. We went to different high schools and I haven't seen him in forever, but we reconnected my sophomore year of college when we became facebook friends. He requested to be my friend, so I sent him a message saying something like, "Wow I haven't seen you forever! You still remember me?"

His reply was: "haha I know it's been SOOOOO long!!! Of course I remember you lol I had the biggest crush on you! lol I've been really good. Just school and stuff! How have you been?!"

And now... he's gone.

And I'm not sure where he's gone.

If his lifestyle is any indication... I'd rather not think about it.

First reaction is that I wish I could have said something, had a conversation with him sometime about God, told him how much he is loved. I don't know how it happened, or why, or when. I just know he's gone.

I know I can't do anything to "save" people. God could have used me, but He didn't in this case. I wish it didn't end like this.

All I can do now is pray that God will receive glory from this. That his death will open the eyes of those who love him, that God will win over the hearts of those affected.

It is eye opening to realize that death doesn't wait till you are ready to go. It can be completely unexpected. I'm reminded to live every day like it's my last! To follow the nudgings God places on my heart and spread the good news to as many as possible.

Goodbye my friend. May your life and death affect the lives you left behind.

My Tower

Once upon a time, I asked God if He would pretty please just have ONE boy like me. I felt overlooked and ugly, and I was depressed in thinking that I would never have a boyfriend because no boy would ever like me. I think I was in middle school at the time... And of course I said this when there actually was a boy who liked me - he just wasn't someone I wanted to hang around.

I had this knack for attracting the odd boys of the school, the ones who couldn't dream of dating a popular girl because they were so out of their league- nerds, the shy guys, the very odd personalities. (don't get me wrong, they're great!) But then there was me, who can't help but be nice to most everyone, and because of that, they fell for me. Surely there could have been other factors, but I think that being nice was the main thing. So there really were boys who liked me, but when I asked God, I meant that I wanted a "popular" boy to like me. Just one.

8th grade was a huge changing year for me physically and mentally. I forced myself to be more outgoing, and some little changes like getting contacts and losing some weight made me much more confident in my appearance. It was in 9th grade that I started getting noticed more. Not much... just little bits here and there. And then I changed schools for 10th - 12th grade. To make a long story short... that's when it started getting complicated. God answered my prayer and I learned a valuable lesson about being careful in what you think you really want. I had many admirers, but the attention increased exponentially when I arrived in college.

I blame the Judson mentality. You go to college to find someone to marry... to get your MRS degree. Naturally, there are plenty of eligible partners at a christian school!! Horay!

But that's not how it always works out. Not yet anyway. Anywho all this to give a small back story into a little writing I did recently. It's a poem... but not really... kinda just free verse writing. This is where I'm at in life right now:

My Tower

I am the Queen of rejection.

I was once told this and now I believe it.

I'm too confident for my own good.

Too scary for a guy to approach.

Will there ever be a guy willing to

Climb the walls I've built around myself?

Even if he falls?

Will there ever be a guy who is confident

enough to try and fail? Perhaps

More than once?

But then again,

Will he be the right one?

I'm really wishing he'd show up.

I promise I'll give him a chance!

Maybe I'll put pillows as a moat

To catch him when he falls,

Perhaps toss him a rope from the tower

To help with the arduous climb.

I'm up here in my tower

Scanning the horizon

Looking for fish in the sea

But so far any remotely brave fish

Has been shot through the heart

With an arrow from me.

I'm so sorry to all I've crushed!

My strong defenses are all I've ever know.

I've shut so many down,

My reputation is built.

This high tower I've established for myself

Is visible to all.

No one can reach the top

It is too well known

So don't even try.

Because failure is bound to happen.

I'm sorry. I think I regret building my tower.

I am trying to be patient while I wait for you.

I won't settle! I just hope you come soon.

I hope I can recognize you when you begin

the climb... the pursual.

I hope you can be patient with me because

I'm scared.

Please try. And don't give up

And I'll do my best to give you a chance

I pray I can see you coming

And resist the urge to run and hide.

My prince, I hope you're out there

Please hurry to my side.

So that's it! I know it is kinda cheesy, but I had fun writing it and I thought it was an accurate "metaphor" if you will, about my feelings this fine day, of my junior year, about four weeks into school. I'm not desperate by any means, but finding "the one" would be great someday soon. Waiting can be hard, but I've done it this long, and I will continue to do so. And I will work on being more approachable... :)

And they have yet to live happily ever after.

The end.

The Ultimate... Test?

It's all come down to this. The biggest challenge yet.
Overcoming my embarrassment, and fear of other's thoughts.

It is a design project. We had to choose a space and "edit" the space. For some reason, I chose a bench outside the chapel on campus. I think it is a good reason... but I am having trouble going to construct my project on site... because, well, everyone can see what I'm doing! I'm out there in the open for everyone to walk by and stare and wonder, "what in the world is she doing?"

It is scary!! Haha, but I'm doing ok with it :) I just have to focus on the task at hand, and not worry about who is walking or driving by. I've even had some fun conversations with people who have come up to ask how it is all going. So I'm going to survive! It just feels super awkward.
But it is a fun project, and I hope I can have some effect on people! I want to make an inviting space that people want to use, so we'll see what happens!! I'll keep you posted!

Still Working On It...

This is terrible!!!
God is pointing out my embarrassment more with everyday. Before class the other day, I drank a whole bunch of coffee. So, naturally, during class I had to go to the bathroom SOOOO bad. I was freaking out. I couldn't go, because that would be so rude to my professor, and all my classmates would think bad things of me! NOT TRUE! But I sat in class, dying, for way longer than I should have. I just kept telling myself, "Rebecca, you are being dumb! JUST GO! Who cares what people will think!" But... I was paralyzed. I was inwardly laughing at myself. It was crazy! I finally went.

Then I dropped my I.D. holder thing the other day, and I had to go back searching for it. Problem was, I had walked in front of Wilson, the boy's dorm, and I was so embarrassed to go look for it. They would all see me and be wondering what in the world I was doing. Not cool. Thankfully I didn't have to walk back and forth looking for it. God saved me that time, and reminded me that He is always faithful. But I was scared of the possibility of walking back and forth in front of their dorm looking for something in the grass.

I really am so silly! I should not be so worried about me! grrrrrrr
In church today, the message had a strong emphasis on "What fears do you have."
Embarrassment is definitely one of them!
I fear rejection too. And the "unknown"- situations where I don't know what will happen, and I have no control over the outcome. And so many other things :)
I'll have to work on that.