My Tower

Once upon a time, I asked God if He would pretty please just have ONE boy like me. I felt overlooked and ugly, and I was depressed in thinking that I would never have a boyfriend because no boy would ever like me. I think I was in middle school at the time... And of course I said this when there actually was a boy who liked me - he just wasn't someone I wanted to hang around.

I had this knack for attracting the odd boys of the school, the ones who couldn't dream of dating a popular girl because they were so out of their league- nerds, the shy guys, the very odd personalities. (don't get me wrong, they're great!) But then there was me, who can't help but be nice to most everyone, and because of that, they fell for me. Surely there could have been other factors, but I think that being nice was the main thing. So there really were boys who liked me, but when I asked God, I meant that I wanted a "popular" boy to like me. Just one.

8th grade was a huge changing year for me physically and mentally. I forced myself to be more outgoing, and some little changes like getting contacts and losing some weight made me much more confident in my appearance. It was in 9th grade that I started getting noticed more. Not much... just little bits here and there. And then I changed schools for 10th - 12th grade. To make a long story short... that's when it started getting complicated. God answered my prayer and I learned a valuable lesson about being careful in what you think you really want. I had many admirers, but the attention increased exponentially when I arrived in college.

I blame the Judson mentality. You go to college to find someone to marry... to get your MRS degree. Naturally, there are plenty of eligible partners at a christian school!! Horay!

But that's not how it always works out. Not yet anyway. Anywho all this to give a small back story into a little writing I did recently. It's a poem... but not really... kinda just free verse writing. This is where I'm at in life right now:

My Tower

I am the Queen of rejection.

I was once told this and now I believe it.

I'm too confident for my own good.

Too scary for a guy to approach.

Will there ever be a guy willing to

Climb the walls I've built around myself?

Even if he falls?

Will there ever be a guy who is confident

enough to try and fail? Perhaps

More than once?

But then again,

Will he be the right one?

I'm really wishing he'd show up.

I promise I'll give him a chance!

Maybe I'll put pillows as a moat

To catch him when he falls,

Perhaps toss him a rope from the tower

To help with the arduous climb.

I'm up here in my tower

Scanning the horizon

Looking for fish in the sea

But so far any remotely brave fish

Has been shot through the heart

With an arrow from me.

I'm so sorry to all I've crushed!

My strong defenses are all I've ever know.

I've shut so many down,

My reputation is built.

This high tower I've established for myself

Is visible to all.

No one can reach the top

It is too well known

So don't even try.

Because failure is bound to happen.

I'm sorry. I think I regret building my tower.

I am trying to be patient while I wait for you.

I won't settle! I just hope you come soon.

I hope I can recognize you when you begin

the climb... the pursual.

I hope you can be patient with me because

I'm scared.

Please try. And don't give up

And I'll do my best to give you a chance

I pray I can see you coming

And resist the urge to run and hide.

My prince, I hope you're out there

Please hurry to my side.

So that's it! I know it is kinda cheesy, but I had fun writing it and I thought it was an accurate "metaphor" if you will, about my feelings this fine day, of my junior year, about four weeks into school. I'm not desperate by any means, but finding "the one" would be great someday soon. Waiting can be hard, but I've done it this long, and I will continue to do so. And I will work on being more approachable... :)

And they have yet to live happily ever after.

The end.