Not an Open Book

I am not an open book. Open books tell you absolutely everything that is going on in their life. There is no doubt about each specific detail, event, emotion, and thought coming up in life, or presently felt.  Sometimes you start reading, but zone out and close your mind to the details because they just come too many, too quickly.  Information overload. Your own thoughts require your attention, or someone else says something that piques your interest, and you notice you are no longer listening.

No, I am a closed book. Sometimes you can see through the cover... see that my eyes give it all away, and know that something is amiss... but even with this transparency, it isn't so easy to know.  You don't know the details of what is going on inside this complex inner world I live in.  Sometimes you can read between the lines, you can ask questions to know more. But not all knowledge is openly put on the table. You can always read, always ask, there is rarely anything held back. But sometimes just a quick read isn't enough. Usually there's more.  You may need to take a closer look- I appreciate those who do.

Hurting

There's this song that says, "break my heart for what breaks yours." 

I sing it, and I genuinely mean it. 

I pray that God gives me a sensitivity to his work, and ask him to help me be aware of other's needs. 

And I'm learning, not to pray that without meaning it. 

God has given me an extra sensitive heart, and

it is a very rare day that goes by without me shedding a tear. 

My heart breaks for those who are hurting. 

I wish I had all the answers, wish I could say more than "oh I'll be praying for you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, you'll make it through." I wish God would reveal himself in a mighty way and just take the pain away. But he doesn't. And I'm left crying, hurting for those who I want so desperately to help and encourage, but having no idea what to do. 

I can only give a hug, listen to tirades of an absent God, and simply be there. 

I just wish I could do more. 

I wish I could overlook my own troubles and be able to focus completely on the hurt of others. 

Dance With God

I dance with God
The best in the world,
And He chose me
His Cherished daughter,
To be His partner.

The spotlight never leaves Him
All eyes are upon Him
And upon me, His child

But suddenly I notice a
New man across the room.
He is dreamy-
He seems to be perfect for me.

I'm distracted now.
As I spin and sway to the beat
My eyes wander to the man,
Away from my Maker.

I'm curious now.
I tell my Father I'll be right back.

He stops the dance,
Holds my hand
As long as He can
Before I am too far
Out of reach.

I weave through the crowd,
In the dim light,
Away from the spotlight.
I find the man.

He is talking.
I step forward, hoping he will notice me.

I twirl.
I have his attention now.
He smiles. I smile.
I walk over to a group of people,
Begin to flirt with a guy.

I glance over my shoulder.
The man is jealous.
He wants me,
I can tell.

I go to get a drink.
He follows me.
He says hello.
I say hello.

He kisses my hand
We chat, he whispers in my ear,
Telling me things I want to hear.
Then...
He kisses me.

STOP!
This isn't what I wanted!
Suddenly I realize what I have done.

This wasn't supposed to happen.
I run away,
Head towards the spotlight,
Where my Father waits for me.

He knows.
With tears in His eyes
He gathers me into His arms,
The mess that I am.
He calms my worried spirit.
He holds my shivering form tight.

This is how it is supposed to be.
Me, dancing with my Father.

All eyes are on us.
We dance
Without a care in the world.

I love Him,
And He loves me.

A man catches my eye.
He is charming,
Attractive.
I get distracted
I watch him,
Taking my eyes
Away from my Maker.

But I know how this ends.
If only I could remember the outcome,
If only I learned more quickly.

Why do I take matters into my own hands?
Do I not trust my Father?
Why do I look, when He already has someone
Picked out for me?

Yet I find myself
Looking through the crowd
For him.
The one.
Where is he?

Dancing with God should be my priority.
But I  can't seem to keep it number one.

Yet I keep trying.
Every day a battle.
One that I will win.

And... eventually...
I feel a tap on my shoulder.
We stop the dance.
I turn to see who it is.

A man stands before me.
More than anything I've
Ever imagined.
He bows before my Father,
Asks Him a question.

My Father smiles,
Throws His head back
In joyous laughter.

Gently,
My Father places my hand
In the hand of the man.

This is good.
This is right.
This is what I've been waiting for
My whole life.

God always knows best.
He always provides.
He loves blessing his children.
His timing is perfect.

Dear Heart,
Always remember:
Dance with God and
He will let the perfect man cut in.

******

Wow, it feels like it's been forever since I've written a post! So I thought I would share a little writing I did today. This is only a rough draft of something I threw together pretty quickly! I had fun writing it though. It is inspired from the quote "Dance with God and he will let the perfect man cut in." I've been thinking about that quote a lot lately, and I just love the imagery it brings to mind. So now you can see exactly what I've been imagining! This is completely metaphorical... no actual events :) Though the underlying symbolism is definitely part of my life. I hope it can encourage all my friends who are dealing with the struggles of singleness! And perhaps someday I will edit it, and make it better!
I'd love to know what you think!

God is Faithful

Wow, what a ride.

The past month or so... I've been dealing with some heavy issues. Feelings of loneliness, and doubt, and what it all boils down to is not feeling "good enough." I have this absurd desire to be perfect, so dealing with the fact that I am not- nor will I ever be- has always been a struggle. But it all entered the spotlight recently, and what a crazy roller-coaster it was.

James 1:2-4 has been a challenging verse for me. It says, "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way" (The Message).

Hardships and tests are no fun to go through. I was so exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally through this time that I was begging for a break. Why must all of this happen at one time? I wanted all of my troubles to be taken away so I could just survive.

But no, God decided now was the time. I was to face these challenges, and overcome them.

One of the things I love about God is that He doesn't give up on me. If I am willing to be used, He will work and shape me into the person He wants me to be. It is often a painful, slow process, but He is holding my hand and walking me through it all. He isn't going to leave me in my state of "just surviving." He wants me to grow, to thrive, and live life to the fullest. I am so thankful for that fact.

When reflecting on these past events, I can see the lessons I have learned, and my tendencies that I still must unpack. God is so good to give me a family and spring break to help me recuperate after the insanity. And even though I have trouble believing it sometimes, I am so thankful for my friends who put up with me, and really do love me. They still like me even when I don't have it all together! It is so nice coming out on the other side.

I don't want to try to get out of struggles prematurely. No matter how much it hurts, I want to become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way... which is definitely scary to say. And I know I will never reach perfection, but I do want to be as much like Christ as possible for this human. In challenges, I want my first response to be prayer, and I want to be closer to God. It will not be easy by any means, but it's a goal I will work hard to accomplish.

Thank-you God for not giving up on me

Loneliness

So far, psychology class has been one of the most applicable-to-life classes EVER! It is so wonderful. Anyways, I am making a study guide for my test right now and came across our class discussion and notes on loneliness. I must have been tired that day, for I had forgotten about this:

Loneliness has little or nothing to do with how much time people actually spend by themselves, nor how many social contacts they have. What leads to loneliness is the lack of intimate and friendly contacts. It is the quality of our interactions: how warm or emotionally distant; how supportive or negative. The lonelier a person feels, the worse their immune and cardiovascular functions are. It is better to have negative interactions with someone than to have no interaction at all.

This makes complete sense! It doesn't matter if I am with a lot of people all day. It only matters what type of interaction I have with them, and if I don't have that quality time with people (which is also my strongest love language) then I become more withdrawn and depressed.

Thankfully God always provides someone for me to spend time with when I need it the most.

Like last night, my roommate and I went to see a play together, and then drove around downtown looking for pizza, but couldn't find it so had to call my dad back home to look it up for us :) (Thanks Dad!!) And then we found a red box and watched the movie Courageous together (which made me miss you so much dad!!) and we cried a lot. But THAT is the quality time I am talking about! I need that so much! I crave it! So thank-you dear roommate! I had a wonderful time with you!

You are helping me cope with life!

Withdrawn

Now here is something ironic.

The more lonely I feel, the more withdrawn I become. When I feel overlooked, I push people away instead of reaching out. It really worsens the problem instead of making it better! I grow sad over so few interactions with people, and then I sulk, wishing people would notice and validate me... when I am really the one who needs to show people I am hurting and needing interaction.

Sometimes I confuse myself :)

Looking back on my post about being forgotten... I realize that I often am the one to create the problem for myself! When I shut people out, they can see I am not myself, but they have no way of helping. I am very good at excluding myself! And that is something that hurts the most!

Again... something to work on.

Easily Forgotten

Have I mentioned before how much I adore psychology? Because I truly find it to be exceptionally fantastic! How God created people's brains to be so different is quite intriguing to me. One of our recent class lectures was about a very basic summation of three parts that make up a person's personality.

These three identities, the child, the protector, and the adult, make up each and every individual. The adult in each of us is mature and shows up in important situations like working a job. The child plays a big role in us as well, and is heavily shaped by our actual childhood experiences. The protector has two extreme sides, and it either lashes out in a situation, or curls up in a corner crying. The protector's role is that of protecting the child. I think my professor is much better at explaining this than I am, but keep reading, and hopefully this will make sense soon.

For example, imagine a person who struggled with their weight in early life- we'll call her Gwen. Gwen was often made fun by her peers in school and was very insecure in her looks. Later in life, she has lost all of her baby fat, and is now at a perfect weight for her body type. She looks great! Now during this time, Gwen is interacting with a good friend who makes a sarcastic joke about her being fat- you know, one of those jokes that is supposed to say the opposite and affirm how thin you are and how good you look, but still says you're fat. Well, Gwen freaks out about being too fat, and is upset with herself for letting herself go, and she begins working out and dieting.

This situation shows Gwen's "child" being hurt. Her past struggles of feeling fat were threatened because of her friend's joke, so her protector lashed out and went crazy trying to fix the situation. My prof. made a comment that really made me think. She said that "whenever someone lashes out at you, I guarantee you just saw their protector." It is very crazy to think about! Maybe you didn't do anything wrong, but rather, the child in someone was very hurt because of past hurts, and therefore the protector took over.

I have enjoyed seeing this play out in my own life this past week. Well, perhaps enjoy isn't the right word, but nonetheless, I love learning new things about myself and others. Last weekend my roommates were all gone. I get lonely pretty easily, so I decided to text one of my best guy friends to come get me for lunch at the cafeteria, instead of sulking in my misery and walking alone. I was excited that I would have company at his enthusiastic reply. But then... I saw him and his roommates walking to the cafeteria without me. I was forgotten. It hurt, but I don't blame him at all, he is completely forgiven! Everyone has little brain slips! Oh well. This weekend my roommates are gone again. So, I decided to text a different friend because I figured there was more chance of not being forgotten with him. Alas, the time to start walking comes and goes, and he doesn't show up. So I left for lunch, and luckily ran into another friend on the way. (And guys, if you ever read this, seriously, you are forgiven, don't worry about it!)

This situation is really not a big deal at all. People forget, things happen, and there is nothing to worry about. Nothing personal against me.

But it hurt so much.

Satan is always very good at feeding me lies about myself that I all too willingly believe. So I walk back to my room thinking, I'm not good enough to have friends. I am easily forgotten. No one wants to spend time with me.

And as I fought the urge to curl up in a corner and cry, to shut out the world, I took a step back and began wondering.... why does this little incident make my heart hurt so? I thought of psychology class, and what could have hurt the child inside me. And I figured out it was all about being forgotten, about being overlooked.

My middle school years were probably my least favorite in life. I was very shy, and "smart" and that was my reputation: the quiet smart girl. I wasn't chosen in gym class. Classmates who sat next to me all year didn't even know my name. I was overlooked. Easily forgotten. And I'm realizing how deeply that affected me! This is such a huge struggle for me even today, even now when I have the most wonderful friends in all of the world! I still think lowly of myself at times, that I am someone not worthy of being noticed, or acknowledged, or remembered.

But the best outcome of this situation is that I have realized the source of this hurt; that I can pin point this struggle, and battle to overcome it. So I want to encourage you not to take things personally when people lash out at you, but rather try and figure out what the deeper cause is. Ask them about it, and try to be understanding and comforting in their pain.

Not taking things personally when others lash out is a whole other battle I have to fight... but for now I shall work on overcoming my fears and past hurt, those known and those still unknown, and shall firmly remember my identity in Christ.

Get to know the hurts of your "child!" Life will be a tad bit easier when you do.

At War With Myself

I've lost the poem I wrote about it... which makes me sad... but nonetheless I shall explain my thoughts about the subject. I have always talked to myself a lot, but lately I have become more aware of it, and have even clearly identified the two sides that are constantly at battle. On the one side is my heart, and on the other is my head. My emotion, vs. my logic. They just have so many different opinions that sometimes it feels like I am two different people! So I wrote about it. I wrote about the war my heart and head have with one another.

This semester I am taking an amazing class: Social Psychology. (Don't worry this relates to the paragraph above!) It makes me laugh because the recent topic in class was the "low brain" and the "high brain". The low brain is a person's quick spur of the moment decisions and actions. It is extremely fast and fairly accurate, but not always. It is also very emotional. The high brain is slower, but much more accurate at figuring out a problem, or judging a situation. It is the logic side. Crazy!! Low brain = heart. High brain = head.

I was elated in class upon learning this. I really do have two sides to me!!

I just love learning about psychology! I still want a minor in it even if it has so little to do with architecture (except... architecture involves dealing with people... so maybe I should go for it!) Anyways, examples of the low brain that my amazing Professor, Dr. Shannon, gave were so fun and helpful. She described a baseball player- an outfielder. If they used their high brain and took the time to figure out how to catch the baseball, they would never make it in time to actually catch it. It is the low brain that takes over and causes the catch. How do they do it? It can't be described. Driving is a function of the low brain- you leave and arrive at your destination without really knowing the specifics of your trip, unless something crazy happens and your high brain kicks in to help you out of the dilemma. The low brain makes your heart beat, makes you blink; all these things it takes care of so you don't have to think about it, you just do it.

She also told a great story about sports. After someone does something amazing, ask them "how did you do that!?" Without fail, they will mess up the next time they try. They have engaged their high brain and try to figure out, how do I do that? And thinking about it too much messes them up. Hilarious right?? I know it works on me!

So I just wanted to share how excited I was that I'm not making up the war that rages within me at times. My heart will continue to be overly emotional and overly concerned, and will freak out about the little things, while my head will be there to tell the heart to calm down, that things will all work out in the long run. Or, just to shut up and stop being a baby. (Sometimes my head is mean.)

Such a great concept!