Life... Is Brutal

Brutal is a great word- one that I have been using way too many times today. Where did the time go? I'm not sure, but there is never enough. I ran out of time for studying for my finals, and boy do I hate feeling unprepared! But God took care of me! I am still alive at least! I hope to pull C's out of my two hardest classes and B's out of the rest. (I got a A in tennis, but that doesn't really count for much.)
C's. I have never gotten a C in my life. Yes, I am aware that "C's get degrees" and everyone will still love me if I get a C, and my employer won't care about what grades I got in college... But, I care. Why settle for C's when I know I can do better? I am a perfectionist, and want to succeed in everything that I do! Let me tell you, this first semester of school has been quite the humbling experience. I'm afraid to fail... but I'm working on letting it go.
It is time for one of those reflective moments when I look back on all the frustrations and lessons I went through, so be prepared :)

As of right now, I am ok with getting C's - we shall see how depressed I am the day grades are actually posted - but it is ok. The hardest thing to accept is that I've done my best. I tried SO hard to get the grades I normally do, but it just wouldn't happen this time. You see... the program I am in is tough. I have professors telling my class "You never fail amaze us with what you can do". They praise our work and our work ethic. Then they remind us that we weren't all finished on time, and we need to work on that. They also mention that we must have better craft (crisp, clean, and beautiful work): it looks like we rushed through it.

I have learned tons about humans, what we will and will not do. Did you know you can stay awake for 48 hours straight? I do... I pulled my first 2 all nighters in a row this year. Don't ever try it, it is not enjoyable at all. But the stamina and perseverance of human beings is insane. My classmates and I stay in studio night and day for hours on end working. When we get kicked out of studio at 2am we go back to our room and keep working. Some of my friends survive off of 3 hours of sleep a night. I can't do that, but the sleeping schedule is insane. Yeah, I am going to spare you the details, but just know, humans can do alot! It really is amazing. Especially when God is sustaining you... wow what an experience :)

The really hard thing about this is I feel like I can't win. That isn't a fun feeling either. To succeed in design I must devote all of my time to studio work. I must finish a boat load of work in a short amount of time and make it look perfect. On top of that, I have Architectural History, another killer-all-time-consuming class. Then two other classes which are sadly classes that receive little to no time at all. So, to accomplish everything, work is required CONSTANTLY. I have definitely learned some good time management skills although I still have a long ways to go. Sleep is something that can be sacrificed, but not for long. I am a person who need quite a bit of sleep. Pulling an all-nighter is extremely unhelpful. (Then the head guy over the whole architecture program send an e-mail telling us we are not ever to pull all-nighters, it is unhealthy and Judson prides itself on the healthy studio environment.) So. Finish all of your work, Make it look exceptionally beautiful, and sleep a minimum of five hours a night. This would be a wonderful utopia, but it just isn't realistic. I mean no disrespect to my professors or institution. I love Judson as a school, but the architecture program needs some help. No, nothing in life is perfect, but what they ask of us just can't be achieved, and I really wish they would realize this.
Despite my frustrations, I really have learned so much from this year and this program. It has been an extremely hard first semester but I will keep working hard and doing my best until God tells me to do differently.
I get to go home on Saturday!! Can't wait!

Not About Me?

I am an introvert. And generally speaking... introverts think about themselves way too much. Well today I was in a terrible depressed mood, and it all had to do with me. A few situations in life have got me thinking about my flaws. Wow, I have a lot.
I am a perfectionist. I want to be like Christ. I strive to be perfect and I beat myself up when I'm not. I will never be perfect so I need to give up that desire! Yes, I should definitely try to be like Christ, but I can't hope to be perfect. Why do I waste so much time trying to get there?
I am a worrier. I am full of anxiety. I say harsh things to my good friends. I do dumb things. I think sinful thoughts. I am judgemental. And SO much more. I focus on myself and my flaws so much that I can't see Jesus. And when I find fault in all that is wrong with me, I get mad at myself, and hate myself for who I am. I am so sinful! A terrible person, not worthy of anything. No matter what I do, I will never be good enough.

God. Thank-you for Grace.
Thank-you for sending Your son to die for my sins- so His blood would cover all my faults.
Thank-you for making me- making me the way I am with all my faults so that Your strength can be seen through my weakness.
Thank-you for loving me, the wretch that I am.
You are sculpting me. Molding me. Changing me into who you want me to be. No, I will never be perfect. I will still sin. But You have freed me from these chains, and I need to live my life in the joy of that knowledge. Nothing can separate me from Your love. And with all my being I desire to do Your will.

How incredibly amazing is this God we serve?