Doubt

I know it isn't a good thing... but I can't seem to help it. I can't break out of it.

I believe Satan's lies way too often.

And I know they are lies, but I can't convince myself not to believe them.

I doubt that people like me. I doubt that I am worthy of their friendship. What if they just hang out with me because they don't want to hurt my feelings? Maybe they just pretend to be my friend, but really hate that they have to be around me.

I don't think that is true at all, but I doubt.

And then at times they will tell me how much they love me, or how good of a friend I am- but part of me doesn't want to believe it. Part of me can't believe it.

What if it is just flattery? What if they don't really mean it?

So when my friends don't tell me often how important I am to them, I begin to wonder if they really do like me. Little things set my mind to wandering. Like the other day one of my roommates was planning on going to studio anyway. I just got back to the room from studio, and knew she was headed out. TOTALLY as a joke, she said, "well, Rebecca is here, I guess it is time to leave!" Another said something like, "That's what I would do!"

It was all in jest, we were all in good moods, and they meant no harm at all. They said it out of love. But I couldn't convince myself it was a joke. I was concerned that they didn't really want to be around me.

So I had to check, and hear for myself. I texted my roomie later and asked if she was joking. I received an adamant YES! She was definitely joking.

So why do I doubt?

I don't know. But I always do.

Let me know you love me every once and a while :)

Goodbye my Friend

Death is a sobering concept.

Today I found out through facebook that one of my grade school friends died. He was my fourth grade crush, and was one of the only boys who still noticed me when I was in my awkward middle school phase. We went to different high schools and I haven't seen him in forever, but we reconnected my sophomore year of college when we became facebook friends. He requested to be my friend, so I sent him a message saying something like, "Wow I haven't seen you forever! You still remember me?"

His reply was: "haha I know it's been SOOOOO long!!! Of course I remember you lol I had the biggest crush on you! lol I've been really good. Just school and stuff! How have you been?!"

And now... he's gone.

And I'm not sure where he's gone.

If his lifestyle is any indication... I'd rather not think about it.

First reaction is that I wish I could have said something, had a conversation with him sometime about God, told him how much he is loved. I don't know how it happened, or why, or when. I just know he's gone.

I know I can't do anything to "save" people. God could have used me, but He didn't in this case. I wish it didn't end like this.

All I can do now is pray that God will receive glory from this. That his death will open the eyes of those who love him, that God will win over the hearts of those affected.

It is eye opening to realize that death doesn't wait till you are ready to go. It can be completely unexpected. I'm reminded to live every day like it's my last! To follow the nudgings God places on my heart and spread the good news to as many as possible.

Goodbye my friend. May your life and death affect the lives you left behind.